Lover Of My Soul

Lover Of My Soul

I'm eighteen, a dangerous age in a dangerous world. An age of formation, an age where girls and boys seek their purposes in life, an age of transformation from boys to men and girls to women. For about two years, I had been feeding my body with material that triggered my flesh, made it twitch in pleasure. And the horrific thing was, I always thought it right. I was a slave, to such a cruel master that he got his deeds done with me thinking otherwise. I was lost in a world where my eyes fell prey to colorful illusions, those which were too attractive for my body to resist.
I lost care for my family, and seemed to be fighting a force much greater than my human strengths. This force was destroying my mind, in a very slow and cruel manner.
At this time, all that mattered to me was the satisfaction of my human desires, to calm them, to tame them foolishly with harmful substance. I was foolish to think salvation existed in mere earthly plants and chemicals. I was so lost in the unreal world that I thought it a divine experience. I was losing my purpose in life, and real slowly, started to lose my head as well.
Something started to tell me that I needed to open the eyes of my heart and close my human eyes. I could feel this craving in me, to find true peace. Peace that was permanent, peace that was real. I needed a real divine experience.
A week back I made my way to a retreat centre in Kerala, a little place called Muringoor, the Divine Retreat Centre, close to the port of cochin.
I had been to this place before, five times, to be precise.
Each time I came out smiling, thinking I had been freed of all my bondages, but never ceased to return to my old ways. This time, something was different, I could feel it, I knew it.
The retreat was for a week long, and it was an International Youth Conference, the fourth one being held there. There were these preachers from different corners of the world, and of course, the priests who administered the retreat centre.
So I attended the retreat, the days going by, slowly, people telling me how this world was all bad and all that stuff, and how I needed Jesus, and he was the only way and all that stuff we always hear.
I have to say, my faith had been weakened over the last two years. Anyway, they went on and on and on, I listened though, something just made me listen! Thursday had come, a weird sort of peace in my head. Well it was some sort of peace, so I embraced it anyway. I would go to the chapels of the Holy Sacrament and pray.
That Thursday, I told God that I was never coming back to the retreat centre ever again, and I needed him to show me some sort of sign in my life, any sort of sign, I needed to change, cause my heart was in misery, shattered and broken, though I didn't show it, deep inside, I knew it well.
Anyway, I prayed for a while. Thursday evening, there was this session called Inner Healing. They say there are these emotional wounds that accumulate over the years which have a great effect on your personality and your approach in life, and there were no medical miracles that could solve the matter, and God was the only healer.
Anyway, I believed it was true and attended the session. The Blessed Sacrament was there, on the altar, Fr. Augustine Vallooran praying for us all. I had attended this session five times before, but something told me, this time was going to be different. The priest went on, talking about how we could've been abused when we were young, taken advantage of by people, how certain relationships could've immensely hurt us, how the sudden death of someone could've almost killed us, and all that sort of horrific stuff. So everyone around was praising God and stuff, and a few of them started to cry. There was this moment, when I raised my voice and cried out to God. With all the faith in my heart I yelled to Jesus asking him to save me. And yes, I was actually yelling! I started to praise him, and I told him that there was nothing in this world that had given me peace and satisfaction so far, and He had to give it to me, He just had to. I began to cry, remembering all the sorrows of my past, surrendering them all to Jesus. Then came the moment of salvation, this current of peace that just raced through my body! I felt it more emotionally than physically. It was this unbelievable feeling, like someone had just put their hands in my heart and removed all of my sorrow and doubt. That moment, I knew, I had been touched, and saved. I cried out to Christ in this childish sort of happiness! I must tell you, it was an experience I will remember for the rest of my life. There was nothing in the world, and I tell you honestly, nothing in the world that had ever made me feel this way before! I felt loved, I felt this peace which was actually peace. I looked up at Jesus, and with all of my heart, I cried out, Thank You! That moment was a divine experience. A real divine experience, which no plant or chemical could ever have given me. I felt like crying out loud, Jesus! Jesus! And that's all I felt like doing! Cause the peace that entered me that day, was what my soul had always been craving for! I realized that the more fruit I gave my flesh, the more I made my soul sin!
I had met the lover of my soul, and he had promised me that he will stay forever, and all I needed to do, was remain faithful to him.
I tell you in the name of Jesus, nothing in this world will give you what your soul desires! Nothing in this world! And what your soul desires, your body can never understand. Speak to the lover of your soul, and let him enter your heart! He stands outside, knocking gently, he will enter only if you open the door!
Look up at him, he loves you, and what he can give you, no one else can!
Jesus Rules!

Akash